This month’s April edition is a little different from my usual April newsletters which always include one article featuring the world famous Prof Aillo, an expert polymath who’ve I’ve attributed to the discovery of the real reasons why we dream, the hidden properties of DNA, virtual diets, operating without touching patients and many more ground breaking revelations.
His findings are extensively documented on the Denmark-Doctor website. This year all but one of the articles written is attributable to the great prof – your task is to decide which one is not Foolish!
I read with great interest in the New Scientist about a surgeon who is pretty sure that in the near future he will be performing head transplants.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time wondering about this. After all it is remarkable what can be done today.
I think I’m pretty fit for someone who receives mail from Saga.
I don’t smoke, I don’t drink any alcohol, I do drink lots of beetroot juice, I run lots, I eat healthily, I don’t have any chronic health problems and I don’t take any medication.
Some of you may think that the new décor in my room is merely a device to get you in and out of the surgery quickly.
Let me reassure that this is not the case. The fact that the desk, chairs and couch have all been removed and in its place is a chest high work table and an exercise conveyer belt is in your best interests as well as mine.
It is well known that exercise prolongs life. It reduces your risk of heart disease, stroke, cancers, diabetes, high blood pressures, anxiety, depression and so on. If it were a drug it would be added to the water supply. The problem is that modern day living takes away a lot of the opportunity to exercise.
Instead of physically washing your clothes and then squeezing them through a mangle and expending a thousand calories in the process we merely toss them into the washing machine and hey presto it’s done. We are surrounded by these wonderful time saving and energy relieving gadgets.
Coupled to the fact that everyday life is now exceedingly busy, unless you are some exercise addicted junkie getting up before the crack of dawn each day, its nigh on impossible to get sufficient exercise to reap these health benefits.
And this is where my scarcity of furniture comes in. Because standing up takes a lot more energy than sitting down, and if you are walking at a modest pace of just 2 miles an hour for an average 4 hour surgery I will burn 800 calories, 10 surgeries a week and that’s 8,000 calories, which is the equivalent of a month’s worth of laundry for the average family!!!
I appreciate that the noise of the conveyer belt is a little distracting and that having your abdomen examined in an upright position may not be quite as effective as the conventional way, but the extra time spent standing whilst seeing me all mounts up and I estimate that this will prevent one death from heart disease for every thousand patients seen.
I appreciate that if you happen to be the one patient whose appendicitis was missed this might not seem fair, but remember your sacrifice was for the greater good!
You may think this is the latest initiative from Amazon to take over health care.
However their initiative to fly ‘doc drones’ to your front door and beam back your medical info to ‘House’ their health super computer is still in its infancy and not being trialled in the UK until next year.
Hopefully you realised that my rant about allow natural death forms wasn’t an April Fool.
But the government has tried to name and shame GPs, the New Scientist did (unbelievably) publish a non-April fool article about head transplants.
My poo may indeed be a really invaluable treatment in the future and there are a number of forward thinking organisations who have introduced walking treadmills to improve the health of their employees.
So the irony is that the only April Fool should have been about my centenarian patient who rest home proprietors were really distressed that she should die without her ‘allow natural death form’!
The celebrated polymath Prof Aillo, whose pioneering work has previously been reported in the Denmark Doctor has once again broken new ground in the realms of medical research.
After years of experimenting with the effects of odours on the human body he has developed the new science of olfactomeopathy.
Napoleon managed to conquer most of Europe often against extraordinary odds.
Click here for more from Prof Allio
When asked what was the most important characteristic of a good general he replied that they should be lucky! It is often said that people make their own luck. To quote one of the most famous golfers of all time, Gary Player “You know, it’s strange but the more I practice the luckier I get.’
We now know that luck is indeed hugely influenced by someone’s state of mind. The more self confident and optimistic you are the luckier you tend to be.